I spent the first 36 years of my life hating myself. 

 

I spent the first 36 years of my life in abject fear.

 

I spent the first 36 years of my life denying myself and striving to be selfless.

 

I spent the first 36 years of my life feeling unworthy no matter how hard I tried.

 

I spent the first 36 years of my life molding myself to become whatever others wanted me to be.

 

Until the shit hit the fan. And then I saw. 

 

I saw the truth. The game was up. I wanted out.

 

I had no clue what I should do, or where to go from there, but I sure as hell knew what I WASN’T going to do any longer. 

 

I jumped ship with no life vest. It felt like drowning, probably because I was drowning.

 

The next four years were an excruciating process as I and my family struggled to find our footing. There was no easy route; no easy answers.

 

I spent many hours, sobbing by myself on the bathroom floor, wondering if it was even worth staying alive.

 

The strong instinct to love and protect my kids kept me pushing through. I was determined to do better for them. Even though sometimes healing felt unreachable, I refused to quit.

 

I wish I could say I am all healed now, but that would be a lie. We will always be working on healing. We will never be done. And that’s okay. It’s a part of being human.

 

I have spent a lot of time working on myself, challenging myself, staying committed to learning and growing. I still have plenty of days where all I can do is just get through the day.

 

Sometimes healing feels like a wild wind of freedom, and other days it just plain sucks. 

 

I was raised in a large, very strict, religious family who ended up joining a cult that screwed me over for the next 26 years of my life. My story and experiences are unique, as are all of our stories, but there is one thing in common that I believe we ALL deserve:

 

Freedom.

 

Freedom to love how and who we want to.

 

Freedom to build a life that feels good to us.

 

Freedom to live according to our own values and not what someone else demands of us.

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Freedom to choose what feels right for ourselves.

 

And last but most importantly, the freedom to love ourselves.

 

I do not have the answers for your life, but I do understand how it feels to be trapped, miserable, fearful, and hopeless. I have walked the lonely path of learning boundaries for the first time. In gaining my freedom, I have lost a lot. I understand the pain. I deal with my own trauma constantly. I am continually learning how to lean in instead of running away.

 

What I’m saying is, I get it. Taking my freedom was and continues to be, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. (And that’s saying a lot coming from someone who had three home births. ;) But every bit of it has been worth it. The more I learn to love, embrace, and listen to my body, the more free I become and the clearer my path becomes. Freedom does come at a cost, but let me tell you, nothing has ever felt so good.

 

You deserve to live a life feeling loved, empowered, and fulfilled. This is YOUR path. It isn’t supposed to look like anyone else’s.